Who hasn’t fantasized at least once about being a character in a romance book? The grand gestures, endless love, unbreakable promises, and infinite excitement—these elements can be captivating. However, it’s not always peaches and roses; sometimes, authors tend to romanticize and promote unrealistic expectations and even toxic behaviors.
I must admit that I have fallen into the snare of the magical and sometimes unearthly atmosphere where school is an option, and work is a playground where you can flirt with your handsome and charmingly mysterious boss. It all seemed to belong to a strange yet inviting universe where all that mattered was that you got enough butterflies in your stomach to live another day to its fullest.
I would never have imagined how far reality could be from the world depicted in romance books. And believe me, it is not always for the worse. After my very first year in a relationship, I can finally say I have debunked 12 of the most well-known myths and false expectations that novels set.
So get ready to retrace the steps I took in my relationship and demystify some of the tropes and stereotypes perpetuated by this genre.

1) Love at first sight

What better way to start this list than by naming the most overused trope of all? Love at first sight has always been one of my greatest literary turn-offs. In some novels, characters instantly fall head-over-heels for the enchanting love interest. They see them, drool over them, go away, and can’t stop thinking about them. It becomes an obsession, an unhealthy one at times. Not only does this trope promote an unrealistic standard for choosing who you might be interested in, but it also pressures people into believing they need to direct their every thought to the person they met. While it might be true that after a few dates, or even the first, your partner becomes an integral part of your days, it is wrong to expect it to happen before a specific deadline.
It may take weeks before you start feeling comfortable enough to develop feelings; it may even take a few months to fully let yourself open up to them. It happened to me as well. I did get attached quite fast, but doubts persisted for much longer. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what’s happening to you or the person you’re dating. Give them and yourself time to get to know each other, and don’t rush into a committed relationship just because you feel obligated to.

2) Rescuer complex

How many times have you read a story about a ‘good girl’ dating a ‘bad boy’ because she believes she can ‘fix him’? Way too many times, trust me. Encouraging the idea that one person can ‘fix’ another is absolutely detrimental to the mental well-being of those involved and is bound to set up some unhealthy dynamics. Sure, there are some books where the protagonist manages to help a character out of a troubled situation or save them from their dangerous and self-sabotaging habits, but it almost never happens in the real world.
Speaking from experience, these types of relationships often result in tragedy. One person ends up heartbroken while the other, voluntarily or not, feels even more empowered and entitled to continue hurting others. It is absolutely normal and beneficial to lend a helping hand to your partner from time to time, to be there for them, to let them lean on you during challenging times. It’s what a relationship is all about, after all. But don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re special, that you can be a good influence on them. Spare yourself the disappointment and don’t try to save somebody who doesn’t want to be saved.

3) Minimal effort

The majority of love stories out there suggest that love should be effortless. Once you find the right person, you communicate flawlessly, there are no misunderstandings, and everything will fall automatically into place. After a few months of dating or even less, you’ll realize that it’s completely false. While I can’t say for certain whether soulmates exist or not, I can prove for a fact that no matter how compatible you are, you will face challenges. My relationship is a very fitting example for this point.
My boyfriend and I have really similar personalities. Sometimes, it looks to me like we are two pieces of a puzzle made to complete each other. Still, that doesn’t prevent misunderstandings from happening. The amount of difficulties may vary, conflicts can dwindle, but it doesn’t take an insurmountable obstacle to make things a bit tougher. It may be as simple as a conflicting schedule; you don’t have to imagine any kind of catastrophe, but you still have to work together to solve the issue. After all, it is a known fact that relationships require commitment. What kind of commitment doesn’t require a little fatigue and diligence?

4) Arguments ending in ultimatums

Similarly to the previous point on the list, it would be unimaginable to have a relationship without conflict. It’s one of the bricks that constitute a healthy bond. And yes, I meant healthy. Based on the knowledge given by romance books, conflict is the antonym of a good and balanced relationship when, in reality, that’s the exact opposite. And why is that? It’s easy: because arguments in romance books are sometimes so rare that they turn into a catastrophic event, often resulting in an ultimatum or even a break-up. Needless to say, it doesn’t work like this at all.
While my boyfriend and I seldom fight, we do have our disagreements. It took me a very long time to understand it, and I still get terrified at the slightest confrontation, but avoiding it may actually be worse. On some occasions, couples end up arguing over the tiniest things, and they simply make up after a few yells. It may even drag out for days, but nothing truly ends as dramatically as books often suggest.
So don’t try to avoid it, and remember: it’s you and your partner against the problem, not you against your partner. As long as you keep that in mind, you’ll be just fine.

5) Perpetual honeymoon phase

It is rather common to be tricked by the idea of the unending romance portrayed in romance novels. The two main characters are often shown on dates, having dinner at fancy restaurants, exchanging vows of loyalty, and abandoning themselves to a magical night of love-making.
Reality is very different, especially after you’ve been dating for months. Sometimes, instead of dressing up and going to a lavish party, you’ll opt for a night in, wearing yoga pants and slippers, no makeup on, enjoying a nice board game. But you should beware not to mistake comfort for boredom. It’s not a lie when people say that a healthy relationship may seem monotone or devoid of passion. The truth is that after a while, your mask will come down, and you’ll feel free to show your true colors to your partner, and that is probably one of the most beautiful aspects of having a long-term relationship.

6) No individual growth

In some romance books, you’ll find characters whose world only revolves around their significant other. They’ll work so hard and shape themselves until they become the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, losing what drew their partner to them in the first place. They become a piece of cardboard, willing to bend to their lover’s needs, neglecting their own dreams, and sometimes even duties.
We have seen this story many times before, even in real life. One person will give everything up for the other, sacrificing every last bit of their personality until they become an empty shell. Since I am talking about healthy relationships, I can’t help but point out this aspect as well. While it is important to put effort into your relationship, especially to help it flourish in the initial stages, you should never limit yourself to that. You’re a person before you’re a partner. It is just fine to make your relationship a priority, but you should never overlook the importance of independence and self-growth.
For instance, my partner and I have reached our own milestones. We never neglected our needs or put our relationship on the back burner; however, we made it clear that we had goals and we never meant to give them up. I fell in love with the kind, hard-working individual, and he fell in love with the creative side of me. It would make no sense for us to be anything other than that.

7) Constant passion and drama

Novels are obviously built around traumatic events, grand gestures, theatrical arguments, and exaggerated reactions. After all, people are in for the drama and entertainment that only a strenuous relationship can keep up with.
Nevertheless, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the fact that this tendency promotes an unhealthy and almost unmanageable rhythm that no true couple will ever be able to follow. It suggests that love is all or nothing, black or white, but it’s the exact opposite. You simply can’t expect to feel butterflies in your stomach all the time. It’s only when they start to subside that true love begins and goes beyond mere infatuation. This is the mistake most authors make when writing melodramatic romance novels. It’s unrealistic to imagine a relationship where only sheer passion is allowed.
There will be days when you’ll be upset with your partner, or other times you’ll feel like you’ve lost the flame that kept your love alive. But love is silent; it’s a quiet but steady presence, and you just need to accept its nature. When push comes to shove, love is a choice, and as long as you choose each other, nothing and no one can get in your way.

8) Ignoring friends and family

It is not uncommon to see that books sideline the importance of maintaining good bonds with people outside the relationship. After a while, the only person that matters to the protagonists is their respective significant other. It would be redundant to list the reasons why this behavior can result in unhealthy dynamics in the long run. Once your partner becomes your whole world, a breakup feels like an apocalypse. Even a simple disagreement will turn into a near-death experience. Believe me, I have been there before, and I sometimes still struggle with this.
It may feel comforting to know there is someone who is there for you anytime you need it, but no matter how strong the foundations of your love may be, it is way too risky to base your every waking moment on them, and it would be unfair to your partner as well. They would have to meet some unreachable expectations that a sole person cannot humanly live up to.
My advice to you is always to keep in mind the paramount importance of friendships and family bonds outside the relationship. They’re the ones you will rely upon if your relationship were ever to end. And even if it doesn’t, it’s healthy to have someone else you can talk to and it can give you some clarity by spending some time away from your partner. That doesn’t mean you should ignore them, but don’t expect to experience a love story similar to those described in romance novels. Of course, you can see each other every day or even wake up each morning in the same bed. Just make sure that by doing that, you’re not neglecting those you loved before you found someone else to fill your days. Needless to say, life isn’t a book, and while your relatives may still be there in case of a bad breakup, most of your friends might as well decide to turn their back on you the same way you did them.

9) Mind reading

It is always so impressive to me how, with a single look, characters in romance novels seem to get a perfect picture of the psychological condition of their partner. Their ways of thinking, their motives, their reasoning, they've got it all down to an impeccable series of steps their partner had to go through before acting. They don’t need to communicate. They know each other. They understand each other. They are made for one another.
They are fictional. Yes. In the end, that is the one and only truth about this supernatural power of theirs. You and your partner may be soulmates; you may complete each other, but it is impossible to truly comprehend the other unless they state clearly what their intentions were.
My boyfriend and I, for example, are quite similar personality-wise. Still, it doesn’t help all that much when a disagreement happens or, more simply, when your partner is in a bad mood. Of course, I will understand by a mere movement, a blink of his eyes, that something’s wrong. However, I am not a magician. No one is. Unless you communicate to your partner what is bothering you or, on the contrary, what you appreciate, there is no way they will understand everything without any clarifications.
For example, I have involuntarily done something that made my partner uncomfortable once. He hid it so well that I couldn’t tell until he said it to me. That is the reason why I don’t expect him to catch up with what is hurting me immediately either. It only happens in books, and it would be unfair to expect your partner to live up to that inhumane standard.

10) No external stressors

This one is a tricky point to explain because external stressors are widely exploited in romance novels. Nevertheless, they are often romanticized and portrayed as little obstacles along the way. They can omit the fact that some of those actually strain relationships and, at times, make them end. It is undeniable that on some level, relationships are put to the test by external pressures, be it due to work, school, family, or financial issues. Books have the tendency to discard or undermine the problems that those stressors pose in the long run. They also fail to mention that these pressures can actually be rather helpful.
In my relationship, I have experienced periods in which external stressors seemed to get in the way, and we couldn’t see each other for days. It was nothing major, but it surely challenged the strength of our bond, especially at the beginning.
On a more extreme scale, some of those stressors have made my previous relationship end, and they probably saved me from dangerous situations. My family’s consent has always been a huge factor in my relationships, and in the very first one, my relatives were completely against it. They tried to pull us apart, to take me away from him, and thankfully they did.
External stressors are often overlooked by novels, especially their hidden ability to determine whether a relationship should continue or not. They challenge a couple, and in the end, only the ones who are truly meant to be together pull through. That is the neglected and sometimes beautiful reality of pressure coming from the outside.

11) Ignoring consent

In some of the more steamy novels, we are often faced with spicy scenes where one character takes the lead. They are dominant, more decisive, and it is one of the biggest turn-ons for the other protagonist. And inexplicably so. Let me explain. Imagine that you and your partner are about to get more intimate. You start off slow and then they gain more control. You want them to stop, but they don’t. You want them to slow down, but they only take things further. Books see it as wild passion; you see it as a violation of your boundaries. That is the issue I found with most of the books featuring intimate scenes. They accept it when a guy says, ‘If you don’t stop me now, I won’t be able to do it later.’ They don’t care when a girl manipulates and psychologically forces someone into sex. Consent doesn’t start until a person says ‘yes,’ and it stops as soon as it’s withdrawn. It is never too late to set boundaries, even if in romance novels it is always seen as a sexy act to ignore it and go on anyway because they crave their partner, they long for their touch.
Reality is very much different. If you heard a story about a guy who didn’t stop at a ‘no’ because he desired his partner too much, or about a girl who couldn’t control her instincts, you wouldn’t think ‘sexy,’ you would probably think ‘assault.’ And rightfully so. It doesn’t have to be sex; it can simply involve public displays of affection or a few words whispered into your partner’s ears. They don’t need a huge, theatrical reason to say no, and insisting is all but an act of love.

12) No flaws

Readers of romance books are pretty much always faced with the two classical archetypes: the girl with perfect hair, effortless beauty, and an amazing personality, and the guy with muscles, a steady job, and a questionable, yet intriguing moral standard. The love interest makes grand gestures, they mess up, but they have mysteriously attractive reasons behind them, like a troubled past or a misunderstood need to do the right thing. There is simply no reason why the main character shouldn’t fall head-over-heels for them. They are charming, lovable, and perfect in every way.
Well, if you expected me to say that this will be your vision for the rest of your relationship, you’re in the wrong place. Once the honeymoon phase is over, you will start to see the flaws your partner has. Those cute little quirks will gradually start to bother you, and you won’t find them as intriguing once you find out that, for example, their habit of showing up late doesn’t hide a traumatic past or a mysterious secret life, but it is only due to the fact that they forget to set their alarm clock.
My boyfriend has flaws, and everybody knows damn well I am not perfect either. Many of my reactions and behaviors are questionable, just like everybody else’s. But we are still together even after the initial phase of unconditional charm. To love a person is to accept their defects as much as their best qualities. I wasn’t lying when I said that true love begins after infatuation. Once you see their flaws and go past the expectation of the picture-perfect partner in books, if you still want to be with them, then that is how you know yours is more than simple affection.

Despite my rather critical and harsh article, it is essential to point out that novels are a form of entertainment like any other. They allow escapism and they let people dream, even for a few seconds, that a perfect relationship may exist. I only wrote this post to raise awareness on the realities of having a relationship and to debunk the unhealthy and unrealistic myths set by this genre. It is of the utmost importance that you, as a reader and especially as a human being, learn to discern words written on a page from a person in the flesh.
‘Books are better than life.’ That’s what people often say. And while I agree with that statement on some level, I would like to point out that life can be just as beautiful and worthwhile. So don’t expect everything to be perfect, raise your eyes from the page and don’t be discouraged once a challenge presents itself. You will make it, through the boredom, the anger, the sadness. It will all be worth it once you see the incomparable joy a healthy love story can bring.

I hope this article was useful to you and I wish you a year as magical and exciting as mine.